For Citizens Who Still Have a Sense of Humor (and a U-Haul Subscription)
So… Nobody Wants to Move to Maryland Anymore.
Shocker.
After decades of steady growth, it turns out the Old Line State is now the “Declining Sign State.” The latest projections show Maryland crawling toward what could be its slowest population growth in modern history—a miserable 1% this decade.
That’s not a typo. One. Percent.
We’ve seen faster growth in potholes on I-495.
But why? What could possibly make a state with blue crabs, waterfronts, overpriced townhomes, and a perma-majority of Democrats so… unappealing?
Let’s break it down.
Wes Moore: From Robin Hood to Hoodwinked
When Governor Wes Moore took office, he promised Marylanders a “brighter tomorrow.”
Turns out, the “brighter” part was just the reflection off all the for sale signs in people’s yards.
Wes Moore is like a TED Talk come to life—motivational, well-dressed, and completely detached from economic reality. He claims he cut taxes for 94% of Marylanders, while somehow increasing state revenue by $1.6 billion.
Which raises the question: How dumb do you think we are, Wes?
Unless by “tax cut” he means the $2 you saved by switching to paper straws, Marylanders know better. Meanwhile, families and businesses are heading south like it’s the Trail of Fed Up.
Affordable Housing? Ha. You’re Adorable.
Want to buy a house in Maryland?
You’ll need:
- $700K
- A letter from God
- A contract that says you’ll never complain about property taxes (or else)
But wait! We also offer “affordable housing” programs… where you can rent a 1-bedroom studio for the low price of $2,200/month as long as you make less than $60K but more than $55K and promise not to own a car, have kids, or enjoy air conditioning.
Crime: Our #1 Growth Industry
Sure, our population isn’t growing—but our carjacking numbers are.
We’re leading the nation in progressive prosecutorial performance. That is, we don’t prosecute—we rehabilitate by releasing suspects directly into your neighborhood with an ankle bracelet and a heartfelt note: “Be better.”
Baltimore is the perfect model: a beautiful city where nothing works, and no one is ever held accountable. It’s like Gotham without Batman—just the crime, corruption, and collapsing infrastructure.
Maryland Schools: Ranked #1 in Pretending Everything’s Fine
Once upon a time, Maryland schools were top-tier.
Now?
Let’s just say your kid might graduate high school with a diploma, a strong TikTok following, and zero idea how to write a sentence with punctuation.
But hey—as long as the curriculum includes pronoun training and climate justice coloring books, we’re “investing in the future.”
Meanwhile, parents who ask questions are branded extremists, and homeschool enrollment is climbing faster than your property taxes.
Tolls, Fees, and “Environmental Adjustments”
Want to drive from one end of the state to the other?
Great! That’ll be $28 in tolls, $15 in congestion charges, and your firstborn to pay for our 2035 Clean Energy Mandate, which ensures your electric bill will triple while you’re required to charge your car during “non-peak” hours (like 3:11 AM).
Maryland’s economy isn’t built on innovation or industry anymore—it’s built on extracting money from residents until they break and move to Florida.
The Great Flee: Everyone’s Doing It!
- Businesses? Heading to Texas.
- Retirees? Heading to the Carolinas.
- Working-class families? Anywhere with a Waffle House and no vehicle emissions tax.
Even rats are considering New Jersey.
Who Does Still Move Here?
- Federal employees who couldn’t get out of the DC swamp fast enough.
- People relocating from California who think “it can’t be worse.” (Spoiler: It can.)
- Political consultants running diversity seminars on your dime.
Everyone else is either stuck, struggling, or strategizing their escape.
Final Thought: A State That Should Be Thriving… Isn’t
Maryland has everything going for it: location, history, scenery, even Old Bay seasoning.
But under one-party rule and Moore’s magical math, we’ve turned it into a state where no one wants to move in, and everyone dreams of getting out.
Chris Papst called it.
The growth has stalled.
The future? Depends who’s left.
Because if things don’t change soon, the only people staying in Maryland will be:
- Lobbyists
- Ghosts of crab feasts past
- Wes Moore
…still giving speeches about how great everything is.
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