“Let Them Eat Surcharges”: Wes Moore Graciously Offers Table Scraps to the Taxed-Into-Oblivion Masses

In a stunning act of noblesse oblige, Maryland Governor Wes Moore—fresh off another photo op and possibly his third out-of-state speaking tour this week—has graciously decreed that $19 million will be sprinkled from the golden coffers of Annapolis onto the struggling peasants of the realm. This royal act of benevolence, dubbed the “Customer Relief Fund,” will help a carefully chosen few pay their ever-ballooning BGE bills—bills inflated, ironically, by Moore’s own policy decisions.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t “relief” as much as it is hush money. After championing the shutdown of multiple power plants (because reliable energy is so 1990s), Moore has realized—shocker—that eliminating energy infrastructure tends to strain the power grid. And what happens when demand soars and supply plummets? That’s right: you, the ratepayer, get a front-row seat to a skyrocketing utility bill while Moore poses in front of windmills that won’t be operational until his third book deal.

But fear not, peasants! His Excellency has allocated $19 million—roughly the cost of a weekend fundraiser in Martha’s Vineyard—to soothe the burn. That’s around two dollars for every Marylander, if you’re keeping count. Maybe enough to buy a light bulb. The energy-efficient kind, of course. Your LED tears will be warmly illuminated.

Of course, this “relief” is only available to “limited- and middle-income customers.” Translation: the same people already strangled by Moore’s death-by-a-thousand-fees strategy—gas tax hikes, vehicle registration fees, plastic bag bans, leaf blower shaming squads—you name it. If it exists, Maryland’s taxing it. Breathing? Stay tuned.

What’s most impressive is the masterful political jiu-jitsu. First, close the power plants. Next, act surprised when bills go up. Then, frame yourself as the hero for offering a Band-Aid for the bullet wound you inflicted. It’s like setting fire to someone’s house, then giving them a coupon for a garden hose. “Leadership,” Moore would call it.

Let’s not forget this is the same governor who’s pushing the “data center overlay” in Frederick County, even though those server farms will guzzle electricity like frat boys at a keg party. But don’t worry—once the rest of the power plants are gone, we can all take turns charging our phones from a shared solar panel behind the Royal Farms.

In conclusion, the Customer Relief Fund isn’t about helping Marylanders. It’s about optics, distraction, and just enough hush money to avoid a riot. Because nothing says “I care” quite like throwing pennies at the very people you’ve taxed, priced, and regulated into submission.

We hope the peasants enjoy their electricity while it lasts. Winter is coming, and candles are not included.